Self care

How much can we hold? Our collective nervous systems in California are out of balance. We all have a certain amount we can tolerate. We use self-care, time with friends & family, and time off to help us regulate our emotions and be within “our window” so we can practice kindness and compassion. I have struggled lately to feel grounded given all the scary events happening around us. When we are in our window of tolerance, we are less likely to “flip our lids” and much less likely to sweat the small stuff. Right now we need lots of self-compassion because our window has closed some, and we are less likely to be in “optimal arousal”. We need to breathe more, laugh more, cry more, drink healthy water, and rest. I don’t know about you, but for me practicing kindness and compassion for myself and others is a moment to moment practice. Honestly, some moments go better than others.

What to do: To expand our windows of tolerance and bring ourselves back into a tolerable place where we are not experiencing intense waves of emotion, we need to do what brings us joy. We might need to visualize our safe/ happy place. Even if we can’t go outside, we can imagine being in our favorite place. As long as we are physically safe at this very moment, we can tap into all the beauty around us. We can remember what feels good and practice it. Even if it is only in our minds. We can breath in all who love us and all we love. We can draw on this resource to help us regulate our nervous systems.

To help our kids have less cortisol surges ( often in the form of tantrums), we teach them elmo belly breathing when they are toddlers (check it out on youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mZbzDOpylA) or we teach them starfish breathing. My children, Sam and Will demonstrated on this video to help all of us learn some fun, cool hacks https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANITKi0D2B8 . We as parents offer quiet attention to our children to help them down-regulate their nervous systems. If we are in an aroused state or outside our window of tolerance, we need to bite our tongues and step away so that we are not inadvertently causing more distress to our children and impairing their nervous systems further. And when we do flip our lids, we go back and repair the situation by calmly talking about what we would have liked to have said instead. We can go slow and show what we would have like to have done/ said. This repair is essential to help our kids see we make mistakes and so do they. It is ok and it’s important to own and talk about our mistakes.

My mentors and clients guided me in this direction. My clients who were seeking to be understood and visible taught me how important it is to not assume someone’s pronoun. I hurt folks throughout my own learning process. I was embarrassed and had to work hard to get this right. Friends and some clients gave me permission to mess up a few times before I started to get it right. It has taken practice and humility. As I learned from Ben Myers at UUSM, “we include personal pronouns in our email signatures for the same reason we list our names—so we know what to call one another. Just as we do not know a stranger’s name until they tell us, we also do not know another person’s pronouns until they let us know what they are.”

Ben shared with us: “Many of us were taught as children that we are supposed to assume other people’s pronouns, usually based on additional assumptions about that person’s gender. However, the practice of assuming another person’s pronouns, as well as assuming another person’s gender, does not honor that person’s identity and experience. (And it’s important to note that personal pronouns do not always have to do with someone’s gender or lack thereof at all!)”

I grew up Catholic but when I went to UUSM and the community states “As part of our work to honor the sacred worth and dignity of every person, we are committed to referring to all people using the language they themselves determine to be most appropriate. This includes using pronoun series we may not be familiar with yet.” This made me want to stay and connect with this spiritual community. I was delighted at how open and embracing this community is and how much I was in need of a community such as this. I love the constant opportunities for personal growth and developing a more mindful approach to connecting with others and building community.

It only takes being open to education to be able to help others feel understand. At first, when I was connecting with folks around their pronouns, I was afraid I would mess up and get it wrong. I decided I needed to educate myself fully. This is what I learned: “Many of us regularly use she/her or he/him pronouns when referring to someone in the third person. “She is talking to her friend.” “He brought his bike.” Singular they/them pronouns are also becoming more widely used to refer to a single individual (though the use of singular they goes back hundreds of years in English). “Their dress is cute. Ask them where they got it.” Another pronoun series we might encounter is ze/hir. “Ze built that chair all by hirself.” A different variation is ze/zir. “Ze played zir best today. I’m so inspired by zir.” There are more pronoun series than these, such as per/pers, xe/xem, and more. If you encounter a pronoun set you are unfamiliar with, do research on how to use them properly. Additionally, some people are referred to by no pronouns, only their name. For a person named Niki who has no pronouns, you would say, “Niki invited us over to Niki’s house.” ” For more information contact lgbtq@uua.org.

For more information on personal pronouns, you can visit Shige Sakurai’s website MyPronouns.org, which includes excellent, in-depth resources and examples on how to engage with personal pronouns in intentional and welcoming ways. Thank you UUSM for allowing me to reference your guide in my discussion around using pronouns in an email signature.

Tapping with nurses and first responders

This is a TAP-IN Video for Front Line Medical Teams and First Responders by
Constance Kaplan, LMFT, Senior Trainer for Parnell Institute.